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Gardening is something that’s always confused me: to me it seems like a chore in disguise. Like some poor sod has deluded themselves into thinking that it’s good for them, heck even fun to weed the fucking garden. Because let’s face it, gardening is dirty, tedious and crawly things live in the soil; (Ewwww!!!) which is why you’ll never catch me bent over digging up a flower patch (unless it’s to bury the fucker who tricked me into weeding his garden).

Luckily though Tarnation made by a dude called Brad Merritt requires no actual gardening. Hurray! The game itself is rather like a tower defense game with cutesy early learning center type graphics.

Your goal as flower king (yes I made that up – but what else would you fucking be?!) is to protect your lovely river from the invading tar bugs. Because if the bugs get into the river they start to pollute it, which is bad. There are three different coloured bugs (red,blue and yellow) which can only be destroyed using like coloured flowers. Flowers? You say? Yes flowers, their alive and their your only weapon – just roll with it.

Anyway before you get flowers you have to plant seeds right? O.k. just checking: there are some right morons out there (I once met a guy who thought a potato was a fruit). Now to plant your seeds you need to drag a box (the bigger the box – the more seeds) in the direction that correspond to the colour seeds that you need. You can find out what direction to drag the box in by looking in the top left hand corner of your screen; but make sure you think about it before hand as you don’t want to waste valuable seeds/time.

Once planted your seeds will continue to sprout- if they fall into the river their dead so make sure you use the seeds closet to the river first. After flowers are released they will continuously attack like coloured bugs until they eventually vanish, however if there are no bugs on the screen then the flowers will vanish.

For each level all you have to do is kill all the waves of bugs that try to attack you, the strategy part of this game comes from conserving your seeds and only using them when you need to (i.e not like me who kept planting random amounts). Remember the angle of the flowers you make in relation to the bugs they attack determines how quickly the bugs are destroyed. The more bugs you kill the more points you get, also there are “Close Call” kills which provide more points but it’s probably not a good idea to let it get that close.

So although you may have to use your brain more than you’d like for this game- it’s still a good play and if you were confused by anything I just described – don’t fret it’s easy once you get the hang of it.


Play Tarnation Here


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