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Epic Fail

In Epic Fail (by mif2000) you’re a rabbit (and no that’s not a pun) and somehow your rabbit girlfriend has gotten herself lost in the centre of maze, and guesses what – it’s your job to rescue her. It’s also your job not to get blown to shit by the hidden landmines or abducted by the aliens that bizarrely seem to guard certain areas. I know what you’re thinking… How the fuck did your female rabbit partner manage to navigate the maze without getting blown to shit/abducted. I have no idea either, but she’s there now and she’s stuck – EPIC fail indeed.

Anyway the game follows an extremely easy control system. Basically you move the rabbit around the maze by using the directional keys, whilst avoiding the tiny little bumps/alien along the way. The bad news? There’s no fucking map to show you where you’re going, or if you’re even heading in the right direction. So essentially, a game that should take 10 minutes can actually end up taking 20. Oh and the Yo-Yo Ma music although strangely appropriate, gets a little annoying after a while. So I suggest you mute it after like 3 minutes.

Still if you ignore those minor (yet incredibly annoying) features then the game itself can be fun, especially if you can’t resist the opportunity to help innocent little woodland creatures. However (if you’re like me) and you couldn’t care less, then I won’t tell anyone if you give up within 5 minutes.

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Cluster Lander

In Cluster Lander (created my Candystand) you use a tiny space probe (don’t be filthy!) to help navigate space clusters, which are like little asteroids. Your objective is to help guide this probe around the clusters in order to gain its co-ordinates, thus aiding you in your quest of space exploration.

Now the game itself is actually very well designed. The graphics are top notch and there are plenty of different levels to explore. Also as you progress, you’ll be able to pick up various weapons and perks that’ll help you along your way. These are normally hidden though, so I do suggest having a good proper look around while you explore.

The controls are simple and explained very well in the game. In fact there’s a thorough tutorial that I highly recommend to all new players before you get started. Otherwise you’ll want to fucking face palm yourself later on – trust me.

Anyway, the problem I had with Cluster Lander was that I had no patience for it, and believe me you NEED patience to play this game. I found the cluster annoying to navigate most of the time, which was only made worse by the fact that as you progress through the game; they decide to introduce enemy lasers and turrets to shoot you down.

For fuck sake! Trying to dodge a stationary rock wall was hard enough! Now you want me to avoid a fucking laser!? Oh and don’t even get me started on the camera movement. Let’s just say if you get motion sickness (like I do) this game will probably give you a headache.

So if you’re the kind of gamer who enjoys a challenge that requires a calm and patient mentality, then I highly recommend you play Cluster Lander. However if you have more of a primal mind set (like me) then don’t play this game: it will only frustrate you.

So yeah.. best leave the space exploration to the patient folk; I’m going to go bash some coconuts open with a rock instead.

Play Cluster Lander

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Straw Hat Samurai

Set in feudal Japan, you play the role of a mysterious samurai who’s helping to eliminate the evil Aka-Ryu clan from invading your homeland. Your job in Straw Hat Samurai (created by LUT!) is to destroy the enemy watch towers, defeat the evil Aka-Ryu Warlord and lead your clan to victory, which I personally I think is a lot to ask one person who do. I mean seriously what the fuck are the other clan members doing?!

Anyway if you ignore the fact that your fucking clan have basically sent you off to fight an entire army on your own, then the game itself is pretty fun.

The controls are simple but they do take a little bit to get used to. The directional keys make you look left and right. You move by clicking to a spot with your mouse, and to attack your enemies you drag and draw a line with your mouse to “slash” them. This arguably is the best part of the game, as after you’ve killed all your enemies, you’re rewarded with a very Quentin Tarantino crimson sky silhouette.

However with the good comes the bad, and in this game) bows are BAD (o.k. they’re not *bad* but they certainly are a pain in the ass.) So I highly recommend doing the tutorial, before you start shooting at any watch towers/enemies. Then comes the walking… Don’t worry you can walk, but at the pace of a fucking snail – you have been warned.

Actually…FUCK IT don’t bother walking, just slash to move faster. It worked for me.

Play Straw Hat Samurai

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Max Arrow

If you haven’t already noticed Max Arrow is our current featured game. Created by MBX games who are our parent company. Max Arrow is a 3D Archery game inspired by the Wii Sports Resort (Archery) mini game. In the game you play the role of a young man called Max who really likes archery…

Yeah that’s about it for the story line. Were you expecting something slightly more riveting? Yeah well, tough shit. Not everything can have a Broke Back Mountain storyline ya know.

Anyway the aim of the game is to be the best god damn archer ever, so you can top of the leader board and feel superior to all the other mongroids. The way you do this is by holding down the left mouse button to pull back and aim. Then when you think you’ve got a good shot, release the left mouse button to fire. You have 3 chances to score the highest points and get a place on the leader board! If you miss all 3 times then you’re out, and you have to go stand in a corner so we can all laugh at you.

Sound simple enough right? Well it is kinda of… Except what the instructions don’t tell you is that after the first round, it starts getting windy. This wouldn’t be a problem if it was a tiny bit of wind, but it’s not. It’s a fucking pain the ass gust that messes up your aim, and makes you shoot into the woods. So make sure you keep an eye out on the wind gauge-sock-thing (I forget what it’s called) to see how bad the wind is, what direction it’s blowing in and adjust your aim accordingly.

On a side note though, wouldn’t firing arrows when it’s really windy be like a health and safety issue? I mean what happens it if gets carried away by the wind, into the woods, and kills a bear or something..?

Actually that’d be pretty cool, fuck getting a bulls-eye. I killed a mother fucking bear bitches (this is what I tell myself whenever I miss)! Also for those of you who wanted to shoot anything but the target, you can’t hit the “no booze” sign, Trust me I tried.

Play Max Arrow

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Pudding Strike

Pudding Strike by Game Duchy is a lot like Angry Birds. O.k. it practically *is* Angry Birds, except instead of firing pissed off birds from a sling shot you fire pissed off little puddings, who are trying to save their princess, from the evil puddings who have kidnapped her.

There are two separate sections who can play both containing 63 levels each, however only one is unlocked when you being the game. On each level the evil puddings are sheltered by structures made of various materials such as chocolate, jelly drops and cookies. This means that your objective is to eliminate all the evil puddings in the level; whether you do this strategically or randomly firing (like me) is entirely up to you. It’s worth mentioning that some levels contain helpful items that you can use to aid you to victory. Some of these include giant red rolling balls of doom and explosive candies. My advice? Use them: they’re there for a fucking reason.

The controls of the game are pretty simple, if you’ve played Angry Birds before then you’ll know what to do. As for the rest of you, if you can’t figure out how to work a sling shot then you’re a dumbass.

Between us though, the difference between the “good” puddings and the “evil” puddings seem minimal. The only difference seems to be, is that some of the evil puddings have narrow eyes or moustaches. Mind you, I can understand about the moustaches: anyone who has one is *asking* to have pudding propelled at them (with the intention to cause pain).

Anyway despite being an Angry Birds rip off, the game itself (when judged as its own title) is actually pretty enjoyable. However the music made my ears bleed a little bit so if you’re not a fan of candy land-esque music, then it might be best to mute it. Also once you’ve fired, the game doesn’t automatically go back to the sling shot, so you have to scroll back yourself, which gets a little irritating after awhile, but maybe that’s just me (After all- I have no patience).

Play Pudding Stike

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Presidential street fight: the game

Elections bore me to tears. They’re so dull, and so predictable. I mean it’s just a bunch of old, over paid men making promises that they can’t keep – EVERYTIME. Nothing new really happens, and yet they expect us to get all hyped and excited about another mong being given the reigns to the world? (President Bush anyone!?)

Except the 2008 elections where different, Obama emerged out of nowhere and took the world by storm. It was weird because this guy wasn’t ugly and he wasn’t fat. He was also black, but I didn’t care about that very much. Don’t get me wrong, it was a pinnacle moment in history, but to me the policies that you plan to implement are far more important than the colour of your skin.

Anyway I thought they should have done something slightly different for that election. Instead of debates, Obama and McCain should have been made to battle – gladiator style. Obviously this didn’t happen and it never will (pfft!), so I guess I’ll just have to be content with Presidential street fight: the game.

You start off by choosing who you want to play – Obama or McCain. Then your objective is to defeat the other candidate by blasting them with you’re err… strange gun that shoots coloured balls, picture frames and other random stuff. Be mindful of the wind gauge at the top though; as it’ll affect the distance of your attack. Other than that the game is very simple, there really isn’t very much else to say about it. Except maybe aim well, watch the wind and don’t die.

Rules for life really.

Cat

Play Presidential street fight: the game

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School Bus Frenzy

In-order to protect humanity from the demon within, there are jobs that I should never be allowed to do – nurse and bus driver are two of them. Especially bus driver: nurse is at least mildly sexy and out of the two I’d rather clean vomit than drive kids around. Seriously, I shouldn’t be allowed to drive with children. I’ve got enough rage in this 5ft frame to blow up a small Ethiopian Village. Yeah, now imagine that behind a wheel in rush hour, driving disabled children to Jesus camp or something. Hmmm, actually that sounds like a potential movie… “Disabled Rage; the rush hour massacre”.

No? O.k. I was just errr- kidding… Yeah just kidding.

In School Bus Frenzy your job is to guide and direct children to the safety of the bus. Problem is the bus isn’t parked in front of the school (heaven forbid why would it be!?) but across the road, where the town’s people drive like homicidal loons. Anyway you do this by clicking the mouse in the direction of the bus. You also get an allotted amount of “farts” which help boost the children.

It sounds a lot easier than it really is believe me.

There’s also a lollipop man who is fucking useless: the moment you step on him – he dies. Mind you he does look about a hundred years old, plus you get points for killing him, so I guess he’s not a total waste of time. There’s also a zebra crossing which is supposed to be “safer” to use if you want to cross the road. However I honestly didn’t find it safer at all, in fact I think this game must be set in America, because those crazy drivers had no idea what a zebra crossing was (as evident from the splattered child corpses littering the road)!

At the end of each level you’re allowed to choose one boost item – trainers for more speed or hot dogs for more farts (beans would have made more sense but hey). The games also get a lot harder as you progress; the cars are faster and lorries are added to trick you.

Disturbingly the game is actually quite enjoyable, I particularly enjoyed the “children screaming” sound effect.

Oh god that sounds so bad. What I mean to say was that the sound effect adds to the enjoyment of the game even more.

That still sounds wrong…Oh well! You get my point. The game was developed by the sick bastards down at Pyrozen and for those of you who are interested there’s also a “bloody version” as well.

Yaaaaay!!

I mean errr- EW.

Cat

Play School Bus Frenzy

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Alt Shift

Girl meets guy, girl decides to open random present, guy gets kidnapped in a sack by evil scientist, girl has to abandon present and go save guy (fucking annoying that – it was probably an Xbox as well…). Girl finds evil scientist, evil scientist pulls lever that drops girl into another maze. Girl suddenly has an instant sex change and becomes a guy.

This is pretty much what happened when I played Alt Shift. Not sure if the guys down at Armor Games added the sex change bit for kicks, or whether I somehow did that myself. Either way I thought it was a nice touch.

Alt Shift is the newest instalment in the Shift series, and like it’s predecessors it shares many of the same qualities: it’s a negative-space themed platform game with minimalist graphics and funky music. However this newest addition has had a nice little polish, making the game play and mechanics smoother than previous titles.

The story itself doesn’t make much sense though. I mean why would an evil scientist capture the boyfriend? Then make the girlfriend fuck around in puzzle maze (when she could be playing her Xbox dammit!). I mean what would he want with a guy..? Unless he as gay? But then what would he want to do wit…- oh! Oh well, erm… Let’s just say, I’m guessing he didn’t kidnap the guy for a game of chess.

Anyway, the controls are quite simple. Use the arrow keys to move (left, right up, down), the R button to reset the level and the space to drag objects backwards. The game isn’t difficult just a little tricky at certain points, however if you feel that their too hard (or your just can’t be arsed) then you have 3 “Skip level” options you can use. You can also redeem these points again by going back and completing the skipped levels at a later date.

So for those of you who are interested the full version has 80 levels for you to complete and mini games as well, the free version has 40 levels, which as far as I’m concerned is more than enough for you to appreciate this quirky little game.

Cat

Play Alt Shift Here

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Tarnation

Gardening is something that’s always confused me: to me it seems like a chore in disguise. Like some poor sod has deluded themselves into thinking that it’s good for them, heck even fun to weed the fucking garden. Because let’s face it, gardening is dirty, tedious and crawly things live in the soil; (Ewwww!!!) which is why you’ll never catch me bent over digging up a flower patch (unless it’s to bury the fucker who tricked me into weeding his garden).

Luckily though Tarnation made by a dude called Brad Merritt requires no actual gardening. Hurray! The game itself is rather like a tower defense game with cutesy early learning center type graphics.

Your goal as flower king (yes I made that up – but what else would you fucking be?!) is to protect your lovely river from the invading tar bugs. Because if the bugs get into the river they start to pollute it, which is bad. There are three different coloured bugs (red,blue and yellow) which can only be destroyed using like coloured flowers. Flowers? You say? Yes flowers, their alive and their your only weapon – just roll with it.

Anyway before you get flowers you have to plant seeds right? O.k. just checking: there are some right morons out there (I once met a guy who thought a potato was a fruit). Now to plant your seeds you need to drag a box (the bigger the box – the more seeds) in the direction that correspond to the colour seeds that you need. You can find out what direction to drag the box in by looking in the top left hand corner of your screen; but make sure you think about it before hand as you don’t want to waste valuable seeds/time.

Once planted your seeds will continue to sprout- if they fall into the river their dead so make sure you use the seeds closet to the river first. After flowers are released they will continuously attack like coloured bugs until they eventually vanish, however if there are no bugs on the screen then the flowers will vanish.

For each level all you have to do is kill all the waves of bugs that try to attack you, the strategy part of this game comes from conserving your seeds and only using them when you need to (i.e not like me who kept planting random amounts). Remember the angle of the flowers you make in relation to the bugs they attack determines how quickly the bugs are destroyed. The more bugs you kill the more points you get, also there are “Close Call” kills which provide more points but it’s probably not a good idea to let it get that close.

So although you may have to use your brain more than you’d like for this game- it’s still a good play and if you were confused by anything I just described – don’t fret it’s easy once you get the hang of it.

Cat

Play Tarnation Here

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Guardian Rock

In Guardian Rock you play well… a rock. Now, now bare with me: it’s more fun than it sounds: your objective is not to remain stationary and hope that you gather fucking moss. No, your objective is to squish pesky explorers who have infiltrated the sacred temple that you have sworn to protect. See? I told you to bare with me.

Anyway Guardian Rock (created by the peeps at Torpedo Lab) is an arcade- styled puzzle game that consists of 48 stone smashing levels. The controls are simple and easy to understand; the rock is controlled by the arrow keys, so all you have to do is tap the direction you want it to go. It’s worth mentioning though that until the rock hits something it WON’T stop (basically it won’t stop mid way or anything – it has to hit something in order to stop).

In each level you have to crush the little explorers (who all look like Indiana Jones clones) whilst avoiding all the death traps and obstacles (such as spears, TNT, etc…) that you may encounter. How a tiny wooden spear can kill a rock guardian I will never know; TNT I get but a pissy little spear? Really!? The guardian can smash through stone for fuck sake, so how can a little pointy stick kill it? Again, I will never know; anyway once you’ve squashed all the little bastards you must navigate the rock to the exit portal – the rock with a lock silhouette embossed onto it.

The games difficulty depends on how much of a mong strategic you are. Because the rock travels in a straight line, it’s easy to predict where it’s going to end up. So if you’re the kind of boring tard who likes to plan things “strategically” then that’s probably better than my method; which is randomly pressing shit until I pwn, or retrying repeatedly like a loon when/if I die. Speaking of which, there is no penalty for restarting the level again. All you have to do is press R in the game, so don’t be shy to try gain if you’ve fucked up. You can also press P to pause and if you have any special level skipping keys (one time use only item) then press S to use them if you want.

Finally I know I said I hated puzzle games, and I still stand by that claim. However some of them are actually quite fun. Guardian Rock (Like Knightfall 2) is one of those: completing a level actually made me feel pleased with myself, like I’d increased my IQ or something. Obviously this isn’t true but the effect is nice, and it encourages you to continue playing this brilliantly addictive game.

Cat

Play Guardian Rock Here

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